I can't sleep. I can't think straight. I have found myself crying on and off throughout the night and have been unable to stop it.
Tomorrow will either make or break my holidays for the year of 2008 and if my holiday is ruined, I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my fault.
After dealing with this problem for as long as I can remember now, I never thought in a million years it would come down to something like this.
It is now 330 in the morning and I have to wait until 9 to find out how I will be spending my holidays. Did I do the right thing? Is all of this worth that one phone call? I am told everyday by the people I trust the most in this world that I did not do anything wrong.
So why do I feel so awful? Why do I feel guilty? Was there something else I could have done? Why can people remind me over and over that I was not in the wrong, yet I still feel like I am?
These questions running through my mind are driving me insane. I can't sleep, I can't even think. When I do finally fall asleep, I dream about it.
I'm going to try to go to bed now, and pray to God that He can whip up some miracle for tomorrow.
Ilym.dyft.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Venting.
So as far as my first blog goes... Pretty lame right. I do a nice job of being as vague as possible and after writing that last blog, in which I thought would make me feel better, I felt worse.
My life IS a mess right now. I am completely broke and it is quite unfortunate since my second favorite holiday is right around the corner :(. I hate my job, which I clearly stated in my last blog, but never really explained why. My job is great, working with developmentally disabled boys is what I was put on this Earth to do. If I would have been told that my senior year of high school, I would of laughed, because they were the kids that I was too afraid to get to know. But after working at the SLC for over 2 years now, the boys I work with have slowly became my family. Family I would do anything for and family that I love unconditionally. Its very unfortunate that the administration at my work is unable to deal with my requests because now I am seeking employment elsewhere.
As far as my life goes, my job is my life. I spend 5+ days a week there and am friends with a lot of people that I work with. I have made some great friends in the past few months though, that I am very thankful for. Emily, for one, is amazing. I love her to death and I am so excited to have her living with us! And by us, I mean Teresa and I. I have so much fun with both Teresa and Em, that I really don't know where I would be in my life without them.
Yes, my mom is living with me, and yes my mom is a severe alcoholic. Its unfortunate that I have to deal with this, but she's my mom, and I am unable to turn my back on her. Last Thursday was the worst day of my life, and if anyone is remotely close to me, they will know why. All I hope and pray for every night before I go to bed is that my mom gets healthy again, but that's something I have long ago given up on. So I just take each new day as it comes and hope that some miracle will come along and help my mom get sober. I am so happy though that I have my little brother with me more. Not saying I didn't like Lindsey, but I am so happy that he has finally taken the time to become closer as siblings. My little brother and sister are both amazing people :-)
But as far as my new friends go, with Emily came great people... Sam- I love you to death and I am so happy that you and I are hanging out and that we have become so close. I feel like I can count on you to be there for me whenever I need that shoulder to cry on and at this point in my life, that is what I want to be surrounded by, people I can count on. And Amanda- I love you as well! I have so much fun hanging out with you and I know that no matter what kind of mood I am in, you will always be able to make me laugh or smile. You guys are amazing people and I feel blessed to have you both in my life.
Oh, and also with Emily, of course comes Zack;-). Mine and Zacks relationship is definitely far from perfect, though some days it feels like it is. We've been together a little over a month now(officially) and I am extremely happy. Of course our relationship hasn't been so great the past week or so, but since he told me he wanted to break up with me, my relationship has been damn near perfect, and I am loving every second of everyday that we are together. I just wish that I could go back in time somedays and take back the guys I wasted my time with and had been heartbroken by. Then maybe I could trust as easily as everyone else. Throughout my life, I have been disappointed several times, whether it be by a parent, "best" friends, or boyfriends, I always seemed to be let down. I try everyday to look back at those experiences and tell myself that they made me stronger, but when in reality, they have made me weak. I don't like to look at myself as a weak person. I am the person who hates to see someone with a frown or tears, so I make things better. I do this to mask my own dilemmas or emotions. I hold everything inside until eventually I just crack. I have been battling depression nearly my entire life, and no one even knew about it until a year ago. I don't want to depend on people, but I've learned a lot this past year, and holding in my emotions is something I have slowly began to stop doing. Teresa and Robyn have been my lifesavers. And I mean that in a literal sense. I honestly don't think I would be breathing today if it weren't for them. I know I can trust them with my whole life and for that, I am so very grateful. It is nice to finally have people in my life that I can depend on and who won't laugh or yell at me when I cry.
I've been embarrassed my entire life to talk or write about my problems. Counselors haven't helped, medicine hasn't helped, and bottling my emotions definitely hasn't helped. But what has helped is my new life, my new friends, and the way I finally feel accepted in my surroundings. I'm no longer the odd one out, I finally fit into a place that accepts me with open arms, no matter how messed up my childhood is and no matter how many times I need to count on them for a shoulder.
My life is finally where I have always wanted it to be. And I could not ask for anything more...(Besides money of course :))
My life IS a mess right now. I am completely broke and it is quite unfortunate since my second favorite holiday is right around the corner :(. I hate my job, which I clearly stated in my last blog, but never really explained why. My job is great, working with developmentally disabled boys is what I was put on this Earth to do. If I would have been told that my senior year of high school, I would of laughed, because they were the kids that I was too afraid to get to know. But after working at the SLC for over 2 years now, the boys I work with have slowly became my family. Family I would do anything for and family that I love unconditionally. Its very unfortunate that the administration at my work is unable to deal with my requests because now I am seeking employment elsewhere.
As far as my life goes, my job is my life. I spend 5+ days a week there and am friends with a lot of people that I work with. I have made some great friends in the past few months though, that I am very thankful for. Emily, for one, is amazing. I love her to death and I am so excited to have her living with us! And by us, I mean Teresa and I. I have so much fun with both Teresa and Em, that I really don't know where I would be in my life without them.
Yes, my mom is living with me, and yes my mom is a severe alcoholic. Its unfortunate that I have to deal with this, but she's my mom, and I am unable to turn my back on her. Last Thursday was the worst day of my life, and if anyone is remotely close to me, they will know why. All I hope and pray for every night before I go to bed is that my mom gets healthy again, but that's something I have long ago given up on. So I just take each new day as it comes and hope that some miracle will come along and help my mom get sober. I am so happy though that I have my little brother with me more. Not saying I didn't like Lindsey, but I am so happy that he has finally taken the time to become closer as siblings. My little brother and sister are both amazing people :-)
But as far as my new friends go, with Emily came great people... Sam- I love you to death and I am so happy that you and I are hanging out and that we have become so close. I feel like I can count on you to be there for me whenever I need that shoulder to cry on and at this point in my life, that is what I want to be surrounded by, people I can count on. And Amanda- I love you as well! I have so much fun hanging out with you and I know that no matter what kind of mood I am in, you will always be able to make me laugh or smile. You guys are amazing people and I feel blessed to have you both in my life.
Oh, and also with Emily, of course comes Zack;-). Mine and Zacks relationship is definitely far from perfect, though some days it feels like it is. We've been together a little over a month now(officially) and I am extremely happy. Of course our relationship hasn't been so great the past week or so, but since he told me he wanted to break up with me, my relationship has been damn near perfect, and I am loving every second of everyday that we are together. I just wish that I could go back in time somedays and take back the guys I wasted my time with and had been heartbroken by. Then maybe I could trust as easily as everyone else. Throughout my life, I have been disappointed several times, whether it be by a parent, "best" friends, or boyfriends, I always seemed to be let down. I try everyday to look back at those experiences and tell myself that they made me stronger, but when in reality, they have made me weak. I don't like to look at myself as a weak person. I am the person who hates to see someone with a frown or tears, so I make things better. I do this to mask my own dilemmas or emotions. I hold everything inside until eventually I just crack. I have been battling depression nearly my entire life, and no one even knew about it until a year ago. I don't want to depend on people, but I've learned a lot this past year, and holding in my emotions is something I have slowly began to stop doing. Teresa and Robyn have been my lifesavers. And I mean that in a literal sense. I honestly don't think I would be breathing today if it weren't for them. I know I can trust them with my whole life and for that, I am so very grateful. It is nice to finally have people in my life that I can depend on and who won't laugh or yell at me when I cry.
I've been embarrassed my entire life to talk or write about my problems. Counselors haven't helped, medicine hasn't helped, and bottling my emotions definitely hasn't helped. But what has helped is my new life, my new friends, and the way I finally feel accepted in my surroundings. I'm no longer the odd one out, I finally fit into a place that accepts me with open arms, no matter how messed up my childhood is and no matter how many times I need to count on them for a shoulder.
My life is finally where I have always wanted it to be. And I could not ask for anything more...(Besides money of course :))
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My First Blog...
So apparently blogging is for children or something.. But I love to put my thoughts down, and I really don't see myself sitting down with a diary, so this is the next best thing!
so, these past few months have been pretty awful and if you're anywhere close to being my friend, you would understand. BUT, as awful as they have been, I've made some pretty kick ass friends that I wouldn't give up for anything! And my friends who have been there for me time and time again pulled through as well, you guys have all been great.
And even my boyfriend, who sometimes has a difficult time expressing his emotions or being sensitive in any way has been there for me as well. And yes, we have had our problems, but as of right now, things are better between us than they have ever been.. And I couldn't be happier as far as my relationship goes with him... :-)
As far as the rest of my life, its pretty much a mess. I hate my job, as far as the administration goes.. And there is NOTHING else out there!! Ugh. I'm really going to be one pissed off person if I have to work on Thanksgiving, considering that was the one day I asked for off this year:-(
And as far as my first blog goes, lame, I know, but I def just realized that I have 20 minutes to get ready for work!!
Until next time... ;)
so, these past few months have been pretty awful and if you're anywhere close to being my friend, you would understand. BUT, as awful as they have been, I've made some pretty kick ass friends that I wouldn't give up for anything! And my friends who have been there for me time and time again pulled through as well, you guys have all been great.
And even my boyfriend, who sometimes has a difficult time expressing his emotions or being sensitive in any way has been there for me as well. And yes, we have had our problems, but as of right now, things are better between us than they have ever been.. And I couldn't be happier as far as my relationship goes with him... :-)
As far as the rest of my life, its pretty much a mess. I hate my job, as far as the administration goes.. And there is NOTHING else out there!! Ugh. I'm really going to be one pissed off person if I have to work on Thanksgiving, considering that was the one day I asked for off this year:-(
And as far as my first blog goes, lame, I know, but I def just realized that I have 20 minutes to get ready for work!!
Until next time... ;)
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